Falling
by Bored and Lazy
Summary: Ianto reflects on his relationship with Jack from Cyberwoman to They Keep Killing Suzie. First FanFic


**A/N - This is my first FanFiction so please, please be nice and please review. I only read this through quickly so I could post it before I lost my nerve completely so if there are any grammar mistakes please tell me! Once again please review!**

**Disclaimer - I wish! No I don't own anything :(**

**Falling**

I've always hated how people say that if you fall in love it's okay because the other person will catch you. To me this implies that the other person must have already fallen – how else could they have caught you? If so who caught them? It couldn't be you because you hadn't fallen then. I told my sister this years ago and she laughed at me before seeing my solemn expression. She then told me I was being too literal and that maybe I would have to wait until the 'right person' came along. With Lisa, not my first 'love' but definitely my longest relationship, I didn't fall as such. It was more like a slow descent, we took our time and when we were ready we reached the bottom together. I guess that's typically me – we fell in love slowly and with much forethought. Well at least I thought about it. She always made fun of me for thinking everything to death. I always thought that was for the best. I've never been lucky in love – whether it's family, platonic or romantically. But as usual torchwood happened...

Our relationship has always been strange – at first it was the gentle banter and casual flirting but underneath it all were the second looks, the assessing glances and the lustful stares. But the easiness of our relationship was completely ruined after finding her in the basement. Now I hide for another reason. Now I want to get away from the guarded looks, the warning glances and the damning stares. But underneath it all I still feel the lust and longing in his eyes and feel the answering emotions inside me. But after the thing with Jasmine when the team were ignoring him, I didn't. I never went out of my way to talk to him but... After Lisa I knew that he always did what was best for the largest amount of people, and Jasmine wanted to go, the team saw that soon and everything was back to normal but still. The assessing glances were back.

Then there was that disaster at the Brecon Beacons. I knew that Jack had brought me along to try to get us to be a team – not simply a group of people who worked together. I don't know why I brought Lisa up really. I suppose that the nicest reason I could say would be to say I wanted to get the attention off Tosh, which was partly true I suppose but mostly I was angry at Owen and Gwen. Gwen because she has a boyfriend, stares longingly after Jack and now wanted to have Owen as well? I was really angry at Owen though partly for snogging her, partly for calling me teaboy, definitely for that smug little smile but mostly for bringing this up in front of Tosh. I suppose I also wanted to punish them – all of them. I know I shouldn't have done but I enjoyed Gwen's awkwardness and the silence that ensued. But the look Jack gave me made me regret it.

God that trip was a mess. Gwen was sent straight off to the hospital but I was forgotten about, I did what I usually did. I faded into the background. Tosh was in shock and shaking, and I guess Owen just didn't want to think about me but I was just forgotten about. I've never liked hospitals really so I was glad then. But later after I'd been dropped off I couldn't even get changed. Couldn't do anything except sit under the shower, till way after the water went cold, with the mantra going round my head _It's time to be bled, time to be bled, time to be bled_. I didn't notice the banging on my door, didn't notice anything until Jack was pulling me up from my crouched position and was talking to me. I couldn't answer him. Couldn't talk. That was the night I knew he had forgiven me. He looked after me that night. Made sure I was okay, and then didn't leave. He was there in the chair next to me each time I woke up screaming, was there to calm me down and to put me back to bed.

Poor Tosh always had bad luck with love – not as bad as me but she's getting close. Pining after Owen, partly in love with Tommy Brockless (our frozen soldier) and now Mary. I was the one to debrief her after it. Maybe Jack wanted us to discuss how to get over our lovers lost to torchwood – or maybe it was because he knew we were closest. She told Jack about what she heard in my mind. He came rushing over to my flat late at night, demanding answers. In truth I think it was a mixture of everything. I was missing Lisa and the disaster of the Beacons was still taking it's toll on my battered body. He stayed again that night – but this time in my bed. We didn't do anything. I needed someone to be there – to hold and truthfully I think Jack felt the same. But that as the night I realised I wouldn't be averse to something happening between us. In fact I was craving it – not just physical closeness to someone but mental as well and not just to 'someone' but to Jack.

It just popped out really. I was watching Jacks face over Suzie's body and it just came out. Watching the familiar smirk appear on his face, replacing the mournful appearance of before I stopped really caring about the consequences. Damn it I wanted this, and so did he. Watching him swagger of and go to yell at the team I realised something. Maybe he couldn't catch me but at least we could fall together, and maybe the landing would hurt but he would be there to make it better, and I would be there for him. I guess I'd take that over being caught any day.


End file.
